Handful dream, Pocket full heart

Flashbacks are an amazing thing and lately I have been having a lot of them. It tends to put things in perspective especially when you think that you have not grown as a person or you need something to be thankful for or just for a few laughs or to see what you went through and wonder how you did not die under the weight of it all. There are so many good reasons to look back.

One day on the streets of social media I saw a video from my past (thank you social media for throw back Thursday) and so many memories and emotions flooded into my mind. The feelings I had about it then as opposed to now were worlds apart. Plus it was a great video with really cool people so the feelings I had were not expected nor desired. Instead of having feel good vibe the video warranted, I was reminded me of the person I thought I wanted to become and the people I looked up to at the time, the big wigs in my social circle. I tend to believe that everyone has them in their own social circle even though they may not care to admit it. Who they were and their achievements made them mini celebrities in my life and I mentally stalked them taking note of what they do, why they do and how they do. Hopefully, I could be like them but when this became such a lofty goal I opted to be as close to them as I could be albeit heartbroken and dissatisfied with this new goal.

Many times in my life I wanted to go back to that place and I felt that life denied me the opportunity to make it big and be just like them. At times I was bitter mostly on the days that the new life I had curved for myself did not seem to work out the way I had planned and life generally became harder than I thought it was before. Now looking back I see a young girl with a handful dream. Back then it was a monster truck-spaceship-ferry-cargoship-nuclear dream and too big for words. Do not get me wrong those people in the video were good people and their achievements were not small either.

It is funny how with time some passions and desires in my life remained, grew and burned with a consistent glow while others died. That the idea of making it changed and got refined to fit me and when it did the dream became bigger instead of being smaller. I did not need to be someone else to be big, I needed to know who I am to see that the dream I had back then was not big enough and would not take my whole heart to achieve it.

I was mad at God for taking my dream away without realizing why He took it. I see that He took the handful dream from my palm, breathed into it and made it something big. Bigger than any man could make it or even live through. He took me away from where I was, not to say my dreams where invalid but to blow them up and give them new life.

God is a God of big dreams and I realized that the stuff I went through was Him asking me ‘can you dream bigger than this?’ It is not all warm and fuzzy stuff for sure, but it made me bigger and it still continues to make me bigger. Now I get to see and embrace not my handful dream or my monster truck-spaceship-ferry-cargoship-nuclear dream but a God-handful dream that will take more than a pocket full heart and not only my heart but a fusion of many hearts. Seeing this makes me sigh in awe and wonder as someone does when staring into a beautiful sunrise.

I am glad God saw my handful dream and decided to do something about it. I hope to always see when God takes something from me and makes it bigger, so as to be grateful in advance instead of worry so much about it.

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