Fun fact. Through a series of fortunate events my teacher (yes I am in school…the horror!) will be marking my blog. I hear the crickets too so you are not alone.
How do I feel about this was the first question in my mind. The thing about all this is that most of my writing has been a journey of discovery and some form of fear. There is the element of overcoming fear where my thoughts are no longer hidden in my head or a journal that is locked up in a vault in a drawer with five padlocks, voice encryption, eyeball recognition, thumb and tongue imprint recognition and when you think you have gone through all the security checks there is the silly tiny lock that can only be opened by a mysterious pendant handed down from four generations past. And the lock cannot be broken because it has been sealed by some mysterious magic *insert eerie music*.
But there is also another fear because for the life of me the writing thing keeps growing. Growth entails being in new spaces which can be scary.
My first instinct was to run away. And I don’t mean jogging in a cute kind of way but more like Usain Bolt and Justin Galtin run. I mean who starts a blog thinking that they will be graded for their thoughts right? Well, maybe for my classmates but that is not the point. The point is that, fear comes when I am being scrutinized. It probably is the case for everyone. Writing means different things for different people but when it is in public no matter how bold we are there is a part of us that is asking, “Will they – the people out there – approve of this message?”
Whether it be writing for a social cause or creative writing or just to help someone else who you hope thinks like you to process the emotions that you imagine they are going through, a deep part of a writer, probably asks themselves if they will be accepted. Will they laugh if I am funny? Will I cause them to think if I am deep? Will they care for what I care about? Will they be moved by what I write? Will they act as I desire them to?
That is the underlying message that a writer seeks to convey. It is the response that is elicited.
For some reason I did not run and yes it is a combination of laziness, seeing as the alternative would be for me to create another blog, and also somehow, I am curious rather than afraid. I expected to be afraid and I did mentally freeze the moment I informed my teacher that I have a blog. But after the brief stint with fear and “Oh my goodness what am I doing?” there was curiosity.
I am curious about the new journey. It is a new journey where I get to form my words and shape my thoughts in a way that conveys my authentic writing self. Phrases and passages that will hopefully articulate my thoughts to the point that I can convey with exactitude the pictures in my mind and perhaps take you on a journey through my thoughts.
Curiosity as to how a blog gets marked. Like seriously how does it get marked? I want the cheat codes guys. Peoples of the internet, please help me with all of the cheat codes.
I am curious to see if I will change. I feel like I will. It may put some fears to rest and raise new ones. It will change me in a way and I do hope for good. Change is annoying sometimes because you never really know if it is good or bad until the whole experience is done. I want to know the outcome but I can only sit and wait. And no I am not a control-freak who needs to know what happens at every single moment in time and I have absolute peace about the unknown *breathes in and out like the Hulk just before he gets very angry*
Writers could be superheroes and this could be my superhero school where I get to find out what my super power is. Silent scream. And if I have a sidekick, for no absolute reason other than for them to feel my power muhahaha!
On the real though, I think I finally understand what mixed emotions feel like. All blender smoothie kinda feeling. It will turn out well *fingers, toes, arms crossed*